Invasion of the Astro-Monster (1965)

G.  It's rated G.  Literally, the photo I have is a guy choking an alien to death to steal his key.  So many people die.  Sure, you don't really see that death on screen because they're smooshed under buildings left and right. Also, women continue to be treated poorly in this series.  Oh, someone is vaporized on screen.  Again, G.

DIRECTOR:  Ishiro Honda

I'm in a foul mood today.  Now, writing should do one of two things.  It may reset me and give me a sense of productivity, which is what healthy people probably get out of writing.  Or, I'll spit out some vitriol here and treat this movie poorly.  Since I'm being so critical of myself (which other people may call "objectivity"), I'm going to take the time to say that this movie isn't a good movie, but it is leaps and bounds better than the last entry, Ghidorah, the Three-Headed Monster, which is weird considering it is a direct sequel to that movie.  

Invasion of the Astro-Monster is almost exactly what it sounds like, with a bit of a twist.  The real victory comes from the tone that it evokes.  While a Godzilla movie through and through, Invasion of the Astro-Monster feels like the height of B-movie Hollywood sci-fi.  It has flying saucers on strings and weird aliens in matching outfits that are clearly just...dudes.  They're just dudes in funny hats and visors.  Again, we're in a point in the franchise where even the concept of a message or some greater theme is lost on both the filmmakers and the audience.  If anything, this is a movie that harkens back to the isolationist era of Japan, despite the fact that one of the protagonists of the movie is an American dude who speaks very confident Japanese.  (It's a dub, right?) The twist of the movie is that there is no new Astro-Monster.  If anything, the real bad guys are the aliens, not the kaiju who tear up Japan like it was nothing.   I oddly kind of like that.  A turn in the franchise isn't the worst idea.  It's really weird that the decision to keep these movies fresh was to make the bad guys just human-sized humanoid aliens.  In a franchise where the bad guy is someone who trampled villages, the bad guys are dudes with laser beams and a convenient weakness to loud noises.

I really want to talk about my favorite moral dilemma in this movie.  It's such a hilarious beat.  Now, I'm going to joke about this with the knowledge that all of this is part of the Xiliens' absurd plan.  Me making fun of it is almost inappropriate because the absurdity is right there on the surface.  It's just...the reactions that some people get.  The movie starts with these mysterious Xiliens from the Planet X seemingly benevolent.  They have a Ghidorah problem and they want Godzilla and Rodan to deal with their Ghidorah problem.  It makes sense.  After all, Godzilla and Rodan teamed up to beat Ghidorah in that last movie.  They did it once, they can do it again! 

Okay, all of that is great.  I love that this is a favor from the Xiliens perspective.  "Aw man, we don't want to deprive the humans of their greatest natural resources, Godzilla and Rodan."  As humans, we're filthy with kaiju.  They are begging for these destructive forces that have killed scores of people.  These are such valuable resources that they trade the cure for cancer for these monsters.  Now, we're all thinking the same thing.  "Absolutely."  Take those monsters.  Heck, we'll throw in a Mothra if it sweetens the deal.  Yet, these astronauts feel bad for Godzilla and Mothra.  Is there some kind of weird bittersweet relationship between Godzilla and people?  I know that, starting in the second or third movie in the series, that Godzilla has solved a couple of problems when it comes to kaiju issues.  But Godzilla himself hasn't exactly been pro-people yet.   He's been, at best, an accidental help.  Okay, that's fine.

Can we talk about the Council of Housewives who have a seat at the U.N.?  I don't think I've ever seen a more coded symbolism for "The Woman Vote" as a separation from what is considered the human vote.  Now, part of me is really curious what this is saying about 1965 Japan.  What I mean, is Japan being incredibly progressive with this inclusion?  After all, the Council of Housewives' stance is incredibly even keeled.  Sure, they're wrong about the Xilians' intentions, as is everyone else but the astronauts.  But it kind of feels like this was both a big step forward for representation of women in these stories and a huge step back.  I'm still processing a lot of this, so be aware that I may step on some landmines.  (I love all this effort for a two second sequence in a Godzilla sequel.)  Like, it's not that it was just a woman playing that part in the U.N.  Nope.  It's specifically that it was a union of housewives.  No other profession represented.  Housewives were almost their own thing.  I am not minimizing the stresses of being a housewife. Lord knows I'm not itching to be a house husband anytime soon.  It's just that it was clearly, "Look at what the ladies have to say about aliens" that made my eyes go a little wide.

But let me tell you why Invasion of the Astro-Monster is better than Ghidorah. It didn't exactly follow my rules.  Golly, this movie gets pretty bananas at times.  (Although, it didn't NOT follow my rules either.)  The human story in this one is very sci-fi.  It's two astronauts going to Planet X.  That is as B-movie sci-fi as it gets.  There is a grounded story.  Of course, the astronaut has a sister (which is very Ghidorah) and she loves this guy who can't support her.  I'm playing fast and loose with some of the cultural stereotypes, but apparently it is okay for a brother to forbid a relationship between grown consenting adults based on a suitor's profession, especially when it comes to bringing pride or shame to the family.  I'd like to point out, we're all team Tetsuo, right?  This forward thinking, nerdier and less successful Tony Stark actually has a point with that alarm.  He's just not a marketing guy.  He ends up saving the world with that thing, by the way.   I just wish that Tetsuo and Haruno Fuji were bigger characters because most of the story invovles Astronauts Fuji and Glenn.  There's all kind of goofball stuff there.

But it mostly works because it does seem to be a focused story.  Ghidorah really played up the small world elements, where a bunch of disperate storylines, each more bombastic than the last, all converged into a tenuous and tedious storyline.  While Astro-Monster mostly keeps with the one plot, the biggest complaint from me is the complete lack of conclusion to this movie.  I'm not talking about an intentional lack of conclusion to a movie, like Empire Strikes Back. I'm talking about the fact that the last three minutes of the movie is Godzilla, Rodan, and Ghidorah all coming out of their stupors and fighting.  It's not that I wanted more fighting.  But to say that the movie's over because they're all awake and this fight will be over in a second is darned silly because all of the other movies started the plot of their respective movies where this one ended its film.  It seems that Ghidorah, Rodan, and Godzilla fighting would still take out a bunch of Japan.  For this film, they consider it a pretty solid victory.  Ghidorah just bounces and the other two monsters look like they died...but totally didn't as established in dialogue.

It's a really dumb movie, guys.  Like, incredibly dumb.  Is it more fun and more watchable than Ghidorah, the Three-Headed Monster?  Absolutely.  But the only reason that I'm giving it such a pass is because the last movie was so bad.  It's a little charming and it's not horrible, but that's not exactly a resounding win.