Rated PG.  Probably the only red flag from this movie is the kind of scary bad guys.  There's something unsettling about the CG world of Minecraft when given film aesthetics.  What might be a simple thing when watching these characters in a video game comes across very differently when it comes to a film.  I can't think of much else that really would be upsetting about the movie.  

DIRECTOR:  Jared Hess

I know that I start all of these by saying that I don't want to write.  I'm kind of in a funk, so if I'm overly harsh on this movie, I apologize.  But I've been putting off writing about A Minecraft Movie long enough, so I suppose I should still write about it while it is still somewhat fresh.  (Note:  I have things that I absolutely need to write about and this is not helping.) 

By this point, you'll all have heard about the walking meme that is A Minecraft Movie.  Younger Gen Z and older Gen Alphas have been tearing apart movie theaters to ironically lambaste A Minecraft Movie.  Me?  I have younger Gen Alphas.  My kids loved the movie unironically and thought that the applause and the hooting that was going on during the movie was genuine enthusiasm for the movie.  I want to look at theater culture both to comment on the degradation of society when it comes to the movie while keeping myself also in check as I'm about to turn 42.  

I knew what I was getting into when I took my kids to the movies.  My son has been way too excited about this movie without any sense of irony.  Sure, his classmates are making "Chicken Jockey" references left and right.  But my kid, like many other kids, absolutely adore the whole Minecraft culture.  I kind of get it.  It's a game that isn't for me.  But out of all the games that he could be playing, Minecraft is oddly wholesome.  It's digital Lego.  I applaud that. Given time and effort, players can create anything that they want. While it's a bummer that it is digital, there's something wonderful about the notion that kids are creating worlds, many of whom are doing it without the thought that there could be something artistic or self-serving in the behavior.  For a culture that is so viral-video obsessed, many kids take those videos as inspiration as opposed to seeking instant fame and that's pretty great.  The fact that there is a narrative mechanic is also kind of fun.  I get Minecraft. 

So, for my kids, it was a movie that spoke to them.  Now, my son said it was his third favorite movie after Sonic the Hedgehog 2 and The Super Mario Brothers Movie. You can see what he likes more than movies, right?  I do think it is weird that we have A Minecraft Movie as a concept.  The lore is not exactly one of those stories that is easily adaptable.  But I also grew up in an age when no one had really cracked the video game movie code.  Now, decent video game movies are a dime a dozen.  To A Minecraft Movie's fault, some of them are pretty darned good.  A Minecraft Movie isn't great.  I'm putting that first and foremost.  The reason that all these pre-teen turds are ironically watching the movie is that there is quite a bit to pull apart.  But is it watchable, especially for kids?  Yeah.  Maybe.  Me, a 41-year-old man who never got into Minecraft?  I kept on watching it as a Jared Hess movie.

I know that I'm writing just to write here, but Jared Hess is the Napoleon Dynamite / Nacho Libre guy.  His directing style is so rife with irony to begin with that he almost lacks heart.  I know that Napoleon Dynamite is actually kind of a touching movie at times.  But that seemed like a balancing act and a passion project that allowed Hess to really figure stuff out.  A Minecraft Movie is not that.  If anything, there's a lot of cooks in the kitchen here.  The sheer amount of people who have a screenwriting credit on this movie is borderline offensive.  I know that many movies have screenwriting credits that we never get to see.  But A Minecraft Movie had too many people writing this movie and you can feel it.  The entire opening had to be a draft of the film.  The movie opens with Steve explaining his entire life and a whole movie's worth of adventure.  The problem with that movie, probably, was that it didn't have enough characters in it.  Jack Black as Steve probably had to carry the movie himself, saying things to no one because Minecraft itself is a pretty solitary game.  (I know!  You can have people working on the same project in the same server.  But that seems to be the exception to the rule nowadays.)

But the rest of the story feels like a bit of a formula, leading to the big problem of saying absolutely nothing by the end of the movie.  Here's the problem:  Steve is not the protagonist.  Steve is almost more setting than he is a character.  If we're going to compare Steve to another character in my son's canon of great movies, Steve is Toad from The Super Mario Brother Movie.  He's there to show how insane this world is.  While he might be on the adventure, Steve does very little growth, going as far as abandoning the internal conflict that set him on this mission.  (Steve promises to betray the team for the sake of his dog.  From moment one, he's pretty open that he lied to Malgosha.)   Henry is the protagonist of the movie, which is shocking considering that most of the film is almost devoted exclusively to either Jack Black's Steve or Jason Momoa's Garbage Man Garrett.  

That's where the real problem lies: Garbage Man Garrett and Steve serve the exact same role in the film.  This is some studio nonsense.  It seems like every video game movie thrives with Jack Black in the movie somehow (Sorry, Borderlands...) and Jason Momoa physically looks different from Jason Momoa.  But both can do physical comedy.  The inclusion of both of these characters is, as Dan Harmon would most likely testify to, "a hat on a hat."  (I know he didn't come up with this phrase.  I feel like I'm defending myself from you guys more than normal today.)  Both of these characters play the goofy blowhard.  Neither one of them is particularly good at their jobs.  If anything, it's the parody of the blowhard American.  But having two of these characters was a bit much.  If anything, we have our main characters take a backseat because they act like everymen in this story. 

And, honestly, I love Danielle Brooks.  I love her.  She's fantastic in everything.  She's even fantastic in this.  She has nothing to do in this story.  If anything, the movie kind of regresses gender narratives by splitting the movie into "boys' stuff" and "girls' stuff."  While the men are having an adventure, the girls literally make a home.  That's the girls' story.  That's no good.  Danielle Brooks is there to be a sounding board to the white girl saying that she might be a bad sister.  The worst part?  I bet that "I'm a bad sister" plot was the crux of one of the drafts of the script, but doesn't even really matter in this movie.  It comes back to it every so often.  But from this perspective, Natalie and Dawn have borderline nothing to do in this movie.  It's bad storytelling.

But that brings me to the thing that frustrated me most about the movie:  Gen Z and Gen Alpha.  Here's where I want to not be an old man.  Part of me loves that Gen Z and Gen Alpha are turning out for A Minecraft Movie.  In some ways, it's The Rocky Horror Picture Show for a new generation.  I love audience participation.  From a guy who was raised with Mystery Science Theater 3000, I can't claim I'm above watching a movie ironically.  Mind you, I would never talk during a Mystery Science Theater.  Here's my point.  Where I lose Gen Z / Gen Alpha on this movie is the fact that Rocky Horror is a sign of loving the film unironically.  It's a complete embrace of the purpose of the film.  And when we watch Mystery Science Theater 3000 and laugh about how bad these movies are, they tend to be dramatic.  We're adding comedy to something that wasn't meant to be a comedy.  

When these kids are tearing apart theaters (too far, by the way.  Don't be jerks to people who are trying to show you a good time.), it's being ironic about something that is already ironic.  When Jack Black delivers a line completely over-the-top, he's aware that he's doing it.  We're supposed to laugh at the absurdity of what is going on.  Making fun of something that is making fun of itself misses the point.  Like, it's just broadcasting a lot of stupidity to the rest of the world.  And I'm being the old man again here, but it isn't a good look.  Also, how dare you make fun of the songs in A Minecraft Movie.  Mr. Jack Black is one-half of Tenacious D, a comedy-band duo that rocks so hard that it forgot more about comedy than you'll ever know.  Also, keep in mind, there's probably a studio head who wanted "Peaches", but for Minecraft.  Get off Jack Black's butt about it.

However, there is a certain joy that comes out from knowing that A Minecraft Movie is benefitting from all the attention it receives.  It's going to be a bummer, though, when Another Minecraft Movie (or whatever it's going to be called) comes out and tries capitalizing on the irony that was Gen Alpha culture.  They're going to be saying "Chicken Jockey" every so often (much like how this movie included "tots") and no one is going to laugh.  But whatever.  

​It is what it is.

Rated R for being pretty darned R-rated.  Yeah, I know what I wrote.  Judd Apatow's core talent is to mimic real-world vulgarity and then, somehow, escalate it.  As such, this movie is fully of language and graphic descriptions of sexual acts.  It also has a sex scene with nudity.  But I'm a guy who laughs a lot at Apatow's brand of crassness, so who am I to throw stones?  

DIRECTOR:  Judd Apatow

Do you know why I'm writing right now?  It's because I'm too sleepy to read.  Yeah, sometimes I have to prioritize my productivity.  And, sure, I won't be able to finish this in about twenty minutes.  But I'll get a good chunk of this done.

I'll tell you what.  Serendipity is a weird thing.  Yesterday was the 100th anniversary of F. Scott Fitzgerald's The Great Gatsby.  I've been watching Funny People slowly over the course of a few days.  (Sure, that may be blasphemy to a lot of you.) But I got to the second half of the movie and then the whole thing felt like Gatsby.  Now, I dismissed a lot of this as something that has just been taking over my life right now.  I'm teaching Gatsby right now.  It was the 100th anniversary and I got all kinds of treats from my boss who is unabashedly obsessed with the book.  I couldn't help but think that this was the English teacher in me over-reading into it.  

Then I Googled it.

Sure enough, the IMDB page has that under the trivia section.  Apparently, that was entirely intentional.  Yeah, I'm not an idiot here.  I know that some people might fight this one pretty hard and I can't even throw stones at that.  The biggest thing that I'm fighting against with the Gatsby comparison is the first half of the movie.  Funny People is a great movie that I was surprised that didn't take off.  But the one thing that I understand frustration with is the fact that it feels like two movies.  It's  long movie, especially for a comedy.  The first half deals with the very real concerns of confronting one's own mortality, especially when it comes to securing a legacy. I want to talk about all of that because, if I'm being honest, I find that part of the movie far more interesting than the Gatsby part.  But the second half of the movie is aggressively The Great Gatsby.

The easy read of that Gatsby is that George Simmons is Gatsby, the rich man who regrets letting the love of his life go.  Admittedly, Simmons doesn't have the same motivations as Gatsby.  Gatsby makes money to win Daisy over.  Simmons lets Laura go to pursue his riches and wants a do-over.  (Aw, the fictional in-universe baby movie is called Re-Do.) But Laura is stuck in a terrible marriage with Clarke, who is just a nicer version of Tom Buchanan.  Apatow doesn't go as far as making Clarke racist, despite the fact that he's really into cultural appropriation.  But there are kids involved!  It's Pammy all over again.  But the real deep cut is the role that Ira plays in the story.  Ira is Nick Carroway.  The really interesting part of Funny People is that the story is about Ira, not George.  Admittedly, Ira is more invested in the whole story than Nick ever gets.  Because the protagonist of the story is Ira, Ira is allowed to have a bit more backbone than Nick ever does.  My frustration with Nick Carroway is always his passive attitude to all of the nonsense going on around him.  Golly, I actually like how, narratively, Ira works better than Nick.  (Don't tell my boss.  Gatsby is a perfect book for her.) 

I got onto the whole "rewatch Funny People" thing because of my comedy podcasts that I listen to.  Right now, I'm deep into You Made It Weird wth Pete Holmes.  But I remember when Funny People was first out, it was the movie to be talked about.  Listen, I'm not a standup.  I probably will never be a standup.  But one of the things that Pete Holmes talks about is the importance of paying dues.  He keeps comparing it to The Karate Kid, but it shows that it only helps to take the whole thing slow.  Appropriately enough, Pete Holmes would go on to work with Judd Apatow intimately on Crashing, the show that was semi-autobiographical about his life.  Apatow got deep into standup.  You can get the absolute respect that Apatow has for the entire standup world with this one.  It's funny, because I think about this being a movie about standup first, a movie about death second, and The Great Gatsby third.  There's a lot of plates spinning in the air here.  But if you want to altruistically live the life of an up-and-coming comedian, Funny People kind of does it great.  I assume.  I write a lot.

But I mentioned, to me, the real meat of the movie is the fact that we have a hard time processing death.  There's a truly great line saying that George is the only person to face death and not come out a different person.  Part of what makes Funny People stick to the ribs more than other movies is the fact that it refuses to pull punches a little bit.  I think I'm growing cynical in my old age.  I tend to like a depressing message more than anything else in movies.  But Apatow doesn't really seem to have George mirror the Scrooge story as a means to be shocking.  I think the narrative that Apatow is playing with is that it is hard to make real change.  A lot of the movie is devoted to George and the way that he processes death.  Yeah, George is a jerk from moment one to the end of the movie.  He's always kind of been a jerk. There's something endearing about him when he's a young man making prank calls.  But he's never outright a good person.  

I suppose you could argue that his hiring of Ira shows that he has a bit of a heart.  And, yeah, Ira melts George a little bit.  But George doesn't have his healthier moments because a desire to be a better person.  Instead, he's afraid.  A lot of his behavior is a manifestation of fear.  That's a little bit of a hard nut to crack because George is so isolated from humanity in that giant house of him, so the notion of him being a good person was always a bit of an uphill battle.   When George blows up in the first half of the movie, there's something inherently sympathetic about his reactions.  He's a scared man who completely lacks a support system around him.  That's why Ira is necessary to the story.  After all, Ira is the Nick Carroway of the story.  He has a distanced relationship with Ira because there's a power dynamic that can never really be leveled for a lot of the movie.

But that's why the second half of the movie works well with the first half.  The second half of the movie shows George thinking that he's made some major changes in his life.  (I mean, that Eminem scene is perfect, but it also plants that seed of immorality in him.) And that's kind of the truth that Apatow is spouting to a certain extent.  It's incredibly cynical, but it also is imbued with verisimilitude.  People don't change just because they're faced with tragedy or hardship.  Every movie we ever see, we have characters who go through some kind of trial and come out a better person.  (Unless the story is serialized.  Then, we have to do everything that we can to keep them the same person at all costs.)  

And I would like to point out that Apatow probably isn't screaming that people don't change.  The absolute denouement of the film is George visiting Ira at his old job.  The two of them put the past behind them and George becomes vulnerable, offering Ira tags for his bits. (See, I do listen to comedy podcasts!  I called them "tags" and "bits".)  It's because George wants to change.  The first time I saw this movie, it bothered me how everyone was mad at Ira in the movie.  Like Ira, one of my triggers is infidelity.  Ira, in a move morally culpable unlike Nick Carroway, tries to stop George from sleeping with Laura.  He points out that there are two little girls who would be affected by this decision and that it wasn't George's right to make that decision.  He then tries to stop Laura from dumping Clarke.  And, admittedly, it does backfire on him.  (I am bothered that Laura doesn't have the self-assessment abilities to point out that she lied to Clarke one last time.) 

But when George is driving Ira back from that debacle, he is unable to comprehend his own responsibility for the emotional train wreck that he caused.  Heck, Clarke --who is the Tom Buchanan of the piece --has more self-awareness than the actual Tom Buchanan.  He takes responsibility for his actions.  But it's because there is a direct correlation between his goals and his morality.  George keeps apologizing to Laura, but it almost is a sadness that he let her get away, not because he did things that were bad.  Again, these are all arguable points.  But at the end of the day,  I really don't see George as someone who is sorry so much as he regrets the road not taken.  

I honestly don't see why Funny People isn't considered top tier Apatow.  Apatow is actually a genius. But I tend to like his sleeper hits more than the ones that people preach all day.  Again, between Funny People and This is 40, I'm on board this guy's films for all time.

Not rated, but this one can mostly be condensed into one scene that is wildly uncomfortable.  While the way that people deal with mental illness can be upsetting for some viewers, the real scene that is troublesome is a scene of incest.  While most of this happens off-camera, the scene is still extremely uncomfortable.  Otherwise, this is a small story that is meant to mirror the format of a stage play.  Ultimately, there's a little bit of cruelty between characters, but what can you expect from Ingmar Bergman?

DIRECTOR: Ingmar Bergman

Guys!  Guys!  I'm in the section of the Ingmar Bergman set where there is only one movie per disc.  That means I'm in the classics.  It's almost a prestige thing, I think.  The big movies are allowed the cinemartic real estate to have their own discs.  That's exciting for me.  As much as I've been slowly moving through the Bergman box / compared to how much effort I've put into moving through the Bergman box, I'm thrilled that I only get one movie per disc.  I get quality films in small doses.

I also have a delay in my flight at the airport so I have time to catch up on some writing.  I have 41 minutes before the flight begins boarding (fingers crossed!) and I'm going to try to clear off my blogging list!

Two things can be true.  I probably have seen this movie and I don't remember it at all.  I mean, I own this movie in two formats now.  I own it on DVD and I own it in the Criterion Bergman Blu-Ray.  The crazy thing is that I kind of like this one.  I mean, this is something very specific for Bergman.  The second that the movie starts up, you get this aura of quality.  Sure, the other Bergmans have quality.  I know someone out there probably hates all my reads on the Bergman films.  But honestly, there is something absolutely gorgeous about Through a Glass Darkly.  And I mentioned the play thing.  While the play thing gives the film an avant-garde quality, what it also does is focus primarily on performances.  

Maybe that's something that I haven't been giving the Bergman movies a lot of credit for in the past.  While they have all been artistic as get out, I haven't really paid attention to a lot of the performances.  Part of that comes from the fact that I don't speak the language.  That's a real thing.  I simply assume performances are functional because I'm so trying to wrap my head around the bigger ideas.  You can't fault me for this.  It's part and parcel of watching Bergman movies.  But what I'm not exactly used to in Bergman films is a straightforward character drama.  Yeah, we got a little bit of that in the early Bergman stuff.  The early Bergman era tended to lean towards melodrama.  Instead, Through a Glass Darkly sacrifices complex plots for focusing on a unsolvable problem.

I like when a problem is both internal and unsolvable.  There's something heartwrenching about Karin's situation.  Like most of my blogs, I'm always in a state of unpacking the films, so bear with me while I do some of that here.  Karin is a woman who oddly seems divorced from her medical condition.  The first act of the film acknowledges that Karin is dealing with schizophrenia.  However, much like many first acts throughout art, we're seeing what life is like before the conflict becomes too much of an issue.  Karin's life is focused outwards on her father.  The movie seems to mirror much of Bergman's other work, making it seem like about an absentee father obsessed with his art.  It's not surprising that Bergman is making a movie about a father who can't remember his own priorities when it comes to his art.  Bergman even admitted that much of this movie was a reflection on his own life.  

But the further that this movie progresses, the more we understand that little of David's obsession with having his novel published (note: the flight I'm waiting for is to Las Vegas, where I'm attending a writer's conference to pitch my novel to agents...so, like, I get it?) is the central conflict.  If anything, it seems like David might be mirroring Bergman's own impotence to balance real world problems with his own artistic agenda.  The movie only embraces its central conflict when Karin discovers that David is pessimistic about her treatment.  That's when she spirals and the schizophrenia takes center stage.  She has a full on manic state (I'm not even sure if I'm using that correctly) and the movie places her as the protagonist of the piece, despite the fact that she has little control over her own actions.

I don't want to take agency away from Karin as protagonist.  One of the few things that I don't want to let go of is that this is a woman's story written by a man.  I really do believe that he wanted to give Harriet Andersson an acting challenge through Karin.  It's who we care about through the story.  But I can't help but attach to the male perspective of this story.  It is written by Bergman.  As much as we root for Karin's health, the real meat comes from how the three separate men relate to Karin.  Again, I'm the worst and I hate myself for making this about the male gaze.  But it's what my brain does and I can't stop that.

The three men in the house all start the film as caretakers of Karin, even if they define themselves initally from the perspective of David.  David is a father who acknowledges that he's kind of a turd when it comes to being a caretaker.  His daughter is floundering through mental illness and that impotence enables him to hide away in his work.  It's almost a crutch.  When he wants to, he abdicates his responsibility to Martin, Karin's husband.  Martin might be the healthiest of the men.  Part of that seems to come from the fact that he signed up for this as opposed to was relegated to caretaker.  As a husband, he sees Karin for the woman first and then as relation second.  Honestly, Martin's perspective on Karin is the most sympathetic.  (I'm basing this all on a shot toward the end of the movie where they all hold her down and inject her with a sedative.)   

But Minus?  PRONOUNCED MEE-NUS?  Come on, Minus.  What is going on with you?  The dumbest read that I can offer is that Bergman created a character based on sexual repression coupled with a loose condemnation of pornography.  Minus rapes his sister.  And on top of that, Karin blames herself for it happening.  There's a lot to unpack here. 

Now, here's me swinging for the fences.  Without a proper understanding of psychology, I can't help but think of id, ego, and superego for these three characters.  It's a stretch.  I know.  Everything about Minus screams "id."  Here's a character who makes plays about his father's failures.  He looks at smut.  He denies any kind of control when it comes to being attracted to his sister.  David, as superego, is about being proper.  He's obsessed with art and obsession with his own status.  He can't balance two different elements of his life, so he retreats into his own sense of propriety.  Martin, however, is attracted to his wife.  Sure, it was uncomfortable that he referred to his wife as "child", but I'm going to ignore that to make my stupid idea work.  He's the one who is both sexually attracted to his wife, but is also able to care for her health and reprimand misbehavior.

Now, the image I was talking about in the end of the movie almost encapsulates the perversion of caretaker to sexual object.  I can't help  but see Karin as a woman who is being held down against her will.  For the sake of a narrative, she is being "helped" so she can make it to the hospital to treat her mania.  But that image is three men holding her down, two of whom have had a sexual experience with this character.  It feels morally gross.  Yeah, there was no other option to get Karin on that helicopter.  She was screaming and clawing at walls. But because two of those characters have uncouth motives with her, it taints the whole experience.  

Sure, I'm really adding a lot of my analysis to something that may be straight-forward.  This could just be a story of a family dealing with a family member spiraling out of control under her own mental illness.  But Bergman is a smart dude and I have this opportunity to unpack something rich and deep.  This is the Bergman I signed up for.  

Yeah, it's not the greatest of the Bergmans.  But we're in the good stuff now, guys.

Not rated, but the other one is rated X.  This may or not be accurate.  I mean, while there is quite a bit of sexual content (including nudity), it is somewhat less than I Am Curious (Yellow).  I still felt super awkward watching this one again.   The movie also has a lot of discussions about sexually transmitted diseases, so keep that in mind when watching the movie.  There's also the implication of rape in a scene.  The movie also, in its attempt to remind audiences of its political core, says quite a bit negative about the church.

DIRECTOR: Vilgot Sjoman

Do you know how tempted I was just to copy and paste my blog from I Am Curious (Yellow) and just switch Yellow to Blue?  I mean, that would have been wholly unfair to the movie and also too lazy for me to handle.  But there was a mischievous element in me that wanted to do just that.  And, honestly?  If I'm being the most honest?  This writing right here is the most intense demonstration of willpower ever because I have this blog and then I have to follow it up with Through a Glass Darkly, another film produced by Svensk Filmindustri.

This is going to be so hard to write about.  Part of it comes from the fact that this is meant to be a companion piece to a movie as opposed to a sequel or anything.  From what I understand based on the introduction from Sjoman on the I Am Curious (Yellow) disc was that he must have felt like the film was not quite what he wanted by itself.  Because both movies were made without a formalized script, there was something experimental about the whole thing.  I mean, watch this movie for even a few minutes and you get what Sjoman was shooting for in terms of being experimental.  We live in an era where formalized scripts tend to be optional.  If anything, a lot of the prestige television and cinema we make comes from loose drafts and improvisation.  So I get it.  But the relationship between Blue and Yellow seems oddly tenuous.  

The movies tout themselves to be the same movie, but different.  I might actually have a hard time accepting this as fact.  Maybe, in my mind, I am thinking that the same movie but different means the same story with different tones.  Instead, we get something that almost acts as a sequel.  These movies come out a year apart from each other.  They feature the same characters played by the same actors.  They have a lot of the same motifs.  But the story is different in each movie.  It's almost like the other movie doesn't exist, but the same characters exist.  Do you know what issue I'm having with this?  Back in 1967-1968, the notion of a reboot doesn't really exist.  What I Am Curious (Blue) is --as dumb as I sound writing this --is a reboot.  It's a reboot of Yellow.  Yellow didn't give Sjoman the satisfaction of a movie by itself, so he made another movie where the canon of the first movie is almost arbitrary.  The things that he wanted to keep about the film stayed the same.  What he didn't want to stick didn't stick.  That's fine.

I know.  I hate me too for saying it.  I'm already debating myself.  I, too, am being split into Blue and Yellow.  I get that there's more nuance to what I just said. But part of what Blue and Yellow are all about is coming to grips with some complicated thoughts.  At the films core, there is a shared intentional DNA.  Lena is a political activist who is open to sexual experiences.  In both worlds, she's frustrated by the world around her both politically and personally.  But with Blue it seems like the focus is on the movie itself.  Both films have a metatextual core to them.  Sjoman as a character making a movie about making a movie is happening in both stories.  Every time that we get invested in the grounded story, Sjoman appears to remind us that this is a movie.  It's very Bertolt Brecht.  

But I had an easier time grasping onto Blue than Yellow.  That kind of surprises me.  I mean, both stories are almost amorphous in their storytelling. There isn't a clear plot going on in either film.  But with Blue, it seems like Sjoman almost embraces the meta narrative for the benefit of the grounded world.  The Lena in Yellow seems to be finding her own spirituality.  There's something laughable about how Lena fails to embrace her own activism, always searching for the next high.  Blue, however, offers a Lena who seems human, despite the very weird metanarrative about making a movie.  She still lacks the maturity that Yellow's Lena has, but her maturity seems a lot more universal. She has a complicated relationship with her mother.  She's annoyed by annoying people who are important to her overall success in life.  It makes sense that Blue's Lena has a meandering lifestyle.  

There's also lovely motifs of disappointment.  The whole thing feels very upset at the lack of caring that people have.  I can't help but confess that I might be bringing a lot of my own neuroses to this movie because I have been so depressed about the way that politics has played out.  Part of what makes Lena upset (as a background concept) is the notion that prisons used to be something.  I have to confess that I only know about the Swedish penal system from memes.  I know that there was probably a complex political battle to get prison systems up to snuff and I am spared the burden of understanding the complex turmoil that got it to that spot.  But Lena seems to be the only person in this entire movie who is angry at the stagnation that the penal system has taken.  Now, because I don't know the intricacies of Swedish politics, for all I know that she thinks that more could be done with the prisons or that the prisons might be inhuman places of torture.  I don't know what exactly she is advocating for because I don't really have a baseline for her position.  All I know is that her actions seem to lack any real punch because the world seems happy with the misery that Lena has pointed out.

What does I Am Curious offer as a unified product?  From a certain perspective, I get the feeling that a lot of it is dealing with Sjoman's frustrations with a movie that he made.  While Yellow and Blue are solid in themselves, they don't feel like this transcendent work without the companion piece.  But if I didn't think of it in terms of artistic expression, I can't say that the two movies offer much to one another outside of seeing a bizarre experiment come to life.  Yes, Yellow needs Blue and Blue needs Yellow, but it's almost because of a novelty element.  Neither film is fully dependent on the other outside of the notion that these are two alternate movies to one another featuring some of the same talent and concepts as the other.  I wish I could say that these movies changed my life.  I appreciate how political they are.  I like some of the weirder stuff.  But that's not something that always gels in the movie.  It's good, but something is still missing.  

But thank goodness that he didn't create I Am Curious (Green), mainly because there is no green on the Swedish flag.

Not officially rated in the United States, but it's your standard PG-13 fare.  If you are using other countries' metrics to determine what we would give it, it would be PG-13.  There's a decent amount of violence, but nothing that would even raise an eyebrow.  I suppose the final fight gets a little brutal to the point of being unbelievable.  But the bigger issue is that this is a story of revenge where there are only small shifts towards a moral high ground.  Still, the movie would be considered unrated.

DIRECTORS:  Alexandre de La Patelliere and Matthieu Delaporte

I know I don't have the time to give this blog my all.  It's probably going to be split up again, so if there's a shift in tone at one point, please forgive me.  I teach The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas.  I have for the past four years, I think.  I love this story.  It might be my favorite epic, even more than Les Miserables.  (I think that I like the musical better than the very long novel, which seems like heresy.) But the biggest problem when teaching The Count of Monte Cristo to high school seniors who are desperate to get out of any kind of actual work is the lack of payoff when it comes to movies.  Now, you guys are all thinking, "What about the Guy Pearce version?"  Do you understand what kind of heresy you are awakening within me?  The Count of Monte Cristo, as a novel, has a very specific message about revenge and redemption.  That movie completely butchers it.  

So when I was in Paris last summer and saw billboards for The Count of Monte Cristo all over France, I got really excited.  I watched a trailer and I thought I found a mildly accurate version of the book on the big screen?  Did I succeed?  Nope.  I mean, to a certain extent, some of the movie matches the book exactly.  If I had to explain the premise of the book without the richer tapestry of what Dumas did, the movie does a pretty good job.  I would pretend to wonder why no one has adapted The Count of Monte Cristo properly.  But I know exactly why.  The book is 1,400 pages long.  It's really in-depth and the slow parts kind of matter to making the final revenge all the sweeter.  But that doesn't exactly work for film all the time, does it?  I mean, this version of The Count of Monte Cristo is already pushing the three-hour mark and it still rushes a lot of the story.  This almost feels like it would need to be multiple movies and even then, I don't know where you could make the cut.  I suppose that there is a reason that ABC made Revenge into long-form storytelling.

The Count of Monte Cristo somehow seems to be simultaneously big-budget and cheap at the same time.  I am actually having a hard time verbalizing what exactly is wrong with the visuals of this movie.  Like, when you watch that trailer, it looks impressive as can be.  And there's nothing in the movie that necessarily negates that when watching the film.  I kind of want to applaud the movie because it does a lot to create the sense of grandeur that the epic novel has within it.  But at the same time, it also feels like there's something in the sauce that's off. There's almost something a little PBS about it.  Maybe it feels like a filmed TV show more than it does a theatrical release film, but I think --and this is awful! --that the fact that it is a big budget French movie has something to do with it.  There's something that's almost like an imitation as opposed to original in the way that the movie looks.  It looks like it is trying to capture a spectacle that comes across as just a little bit off.

I won't deny that I'm having a harder time writing about this movie than I do most movies.  I think when they hit a solid 3/5, I have difficulty writing.  Part of what I like about The Count of Monte Cristo is an attempt to get the vibe of the novel down while missing some of the elements that make the story the story.  For example, out of everything in the book, Pierre Niney as Edmond Dantes --while having major character changes --feels always like Dantes.  Dantes is a character that is incredibly sympathetic, even when he's doing horrible things to people.  If the goal was to make a small intimate story into something that plumbs the depths of human morality, putting Niney as Dantes as the foundation of that is perfect.  He seems so pitiable, yet when he spirals out of control, it is easy to dislike him. And the movie gets that.  The movie gets that Dantes's obsession with getting his revenge is killing the good man inside of him.

I think I realize what I don't like about the movie.  Now, the easy and dumb read of this take is that it isn't accurate.  I mean, sure, I was really hoping that the movie was going to shoot for being the quintessential adaptation of The Count of Monte Cristo. I would have loved that as a teacher.  It's just that the changes that they made almost felt like they were there for being cool.  One of my favorite things about It was that it took the novels and, through its changes, made the story --at its core --the same while the scares were different.  I liked that a lot.  I feel like the directors really tried to pull that card with The Count of Monte Cristo, but more shot for "cooler" reveals.  For example, as much as I preach about how Niney nails Edmond Dantes and all of his various personas, the side characters almost completely missed their marks.

One of the key concepts in the novel is the notion that Dantes will sacrifice anyone to get what he wants.  The way that Dantes has Benedetto as the son that he always loved doesn't really gel with the original Monte Cristo story.  Again, I get that a lot of this would be done for shorthand.  I'm sure that the team behind the movie were clapping themselves on the backs when they found out that they could merge characters together to get more emotional collateral when things went south.  Benedetto's sad ending in this movie doesn't quite read the way that Dumas has it.  There are so many moments in the very long novel where Dantes has to move his moral compass just a sliver to understand what is necessary to get revenge.  And I need to remind you that the Benedetto story is only an example, but it works.  When Benedetto dies a horrible death because of Dantes's actions, the move is too great.  There are so many moments that are tragic that Dantes feels, but he has shifted so much that these moments come as another grain of sand added to the pile.  It's different from the movie when he has to come to grips with the morality of his own choices.  

When Dantes comes to the realization that the Count has killed Edmond Dantes through all of these small moments (and partially because he can never truly be with Mercedes), it's a lifetime of mistakes.  His second life is as much of a prison as his first life.  Instead, the film's epiphany moment (which I appreciate is still in the movie) comes from a direct regret from an immediate action.  It feels more like the revenge that Dantes achieves is somewhat lacking.  The book has this idea that Mercedes reminds him of what it means to be a good man and to take care of those around him.  

And this is a stupid reason to complain.  I already stressed that the book is 1,400 pages long.  I get that it's intense.  But the book is really good at making each revenge kind of mean something.  Each time you get a little bit bored, one of the coolest revenges happens to remind you that you are part of this cabal of evil schemers.  Instead, the movie dumps them all as this one moment in time that comes across as both unsatisfactory and unbelievable.  There's times when I tried explaining to my wife what the revenge was trying to be and we both stared at the screen, questioning how these moments made any sense.  And trust me, I really wanted to make these moments make sense.  I did that thing that I always do and try to apologize for a movie's mistake because I wanted there to be a reasonable explanation.

I hate when movies are just fine.  I don't know.  I want to love this movie because it really tried at times. It's night and day from the Guy Pearce version, so please understand that this movie holds a good deal of value for me.  I don't regret owning it because I'll still probably use it in my class, despite how inaccurate it is. But it doesn't change the fact that I can't find a version of The Count of Monte Cristo that nails the most important elements of the story.  Instead, we get a vibes-accurate, but heart-inaccurate version of the movie.  But at least I have a French version of a movie that is an adaptation of a famous French novel, so I have to give the movie credit in that way.  Even if it doesn't have a digital copy.

R, and it had every opportunity not to be R.  If I'm going to go off on how Sony is the most studio studio that ever studioed, part of the R rating is part of that.  They amped up the violence a bit and added a couple of f-bombs to attract the Deadpool crowd.  It's such a dumb reason because this is almost a cookie-cutter of every other Sony Spider-Verse project they've made.  Absolutely no reason to be R outside of some desperate attempts to be violent.

DIRECTOR: J.C. Chandor

You guys finally put me over the edge, Sony.  I have been "Team Like-Everything" despite having major problems with the other movies.  My goodness, Sony.  You kind of left it all on the floor for how much trash you could shove into one movie.  I'm the one guy who thought that Madame Web got more hate than it deserved and you still made me mad about Kraven the Hunter?

Here's the thing.  Sony's Spider-Man Universe was a bad idea from the start.  In general, it is really hard to make movies about villains.  They tend not to work, at least not in franchises.  I've pointed this out when Disney did stuff like Maleficent.  To make a movie where the protagonist is the villain of the story, but in a manner where there is action and it is entertaining like the hero's story, you need to make a worse villain.  With stories like these, the villain character that we're all hoping to see over the course of two hours tends to have justifiable reasons for abhorrent behavior.  To do this, you need to introduce people who are worse.  But the point of these stories is to show how messed up the villain protagonist is.  So we now know that the villain protagonist isn't the greatest villain.  We know that they're kind of just a scarier version of a hero.  Like, in no way do I want to see Kraven fight Spider-Man.  It almost makes no sense.  There was this shot of Kraven fearing spiders for no reason, but that doesn't really align with anything else that the story set up.  (If anything, there are a lot of people in Sony's Spider-Man Universe who have an unnatural aversion to spiders as their main motivation to encounter Spider-Man.) 

So what corporate Sony (again, the most studio driven movie conglomerate) does is fundamentally misunderstand what their character is about.  I swear, when all is said and done, Kraven in this movie is more animal-themed Punisher than anything else.  They even went as far as to give him superpowers.  Yes, I know that later in the Spider-Man comics, Kraven mutates himself to give himself an edge on Spider-Man. But the very nature of giving him powers as an origin story misses the point of Kraven altogether.  Let me go off because this is important.  The character of Kraven is someone who can't see the forest for the trees.  In an attempt to gain valor and glory, Sergei Kravinoff hunts creatures that cannot be killed by man.  It's all about hubris.  These are not threats to anyone.  Instead, Kraven thinks of himself as the world's greatest hunter.  As an extension of that thought, he hunts down Spider-Man, a trophy that he considers the alpha predator.  When Spider-Man defeats him (despite Kraven getting some shots in), it's so humiliating because Spider-Man has no interest in killing him.  It's only after multiple defeats that Kraven turns to manipulating his own biology to give himself a leg up on Spider-Man.

You know, villain stuff?

But this is a movie about a fundamentally good kid who was born into a crappy situation.  So he doesn't get sucked into this world of crime and moral depravity, he runs away after being transfused with some tribal and culturally-dubious super soldier serum.  He then uses his abilities as a mercenary to take down bad guys.  While the "being paid to do it" element is a little gross, the villainousness of the whole thing is absent.  If anything, he only hunts bad guys makes him the Punisher.  I mean, the movie starts off with Kraven getting himself thrown into prison so he can take down a mob boss.  That's Frank Castle, guys.  That's his entire playbook.  I have seen that movie.  Man, I don't even like a lot of the Punisher movies and I have to say that Punisher does that move better than Kraven does.

Honestly, Russell Crowe's Nikolai Kravinoff does a better job getting to the root of Kraven than Aaron Taylor-Johnson does.  I know.  You would never watch an aging Russell Crowe (sorry, Mr. Crowe!  I don't want to age shame you whatsoever) tracking down Spider-Men, but the character you are playing is more in line with the character that is supposed to be on screen.  Even the side characters, which are named and have a vague attachment to their comic book counterparts are way off from their basic storylines.  The Rhino is just a mess of a character.  I mean, I'm impressed that he has the Russian name and the Russian accent, but that's the only thing that these two characters have in common.  I know that Miles Warren probably injected rhino DNA into you or something to give you a full on rhino transformation, but that's almost arbitrary.  

I don't love that the Rhino is a mob boss.  There was always something so tragic about the Rhino as a villain before.  Like the Scorpion, these were small time criminals who were paid to honestly mutilate themselves for the sake of powers.  But the Rhino was always a little not smart. He seems like he was tricked into getting this suit grafted onto him and now he would do anything to get out of it.  It's why there are some really lovely Spider-Man comics when Rhino plays a little bit of a grey area villain.  He's a character of regret.  Instead, you missed on Rhino's fundamental emotional core: he's supposed to be stuck in the suit.  In the movie, for most of the film, Aleksei looks human.  His curse is that he wears this backpack that keeps him looking like that.  But that's not the story.  The idea is that the Rhino never has a normal moment whatsoever and that's sad.  

And the bigger issue is the lack of originality in these movies!  Why is it always a mob boss?  What is the Sony Spider-Man Universe's obsession with some big rich guy causing all kinds of problems?  I'm not saying that rich guys aren't terrible and shouldn't be punched.  I'm the last guy who should say that.  I'm saying that there's no attempts to find stories where there's just people trying to have sympathetic storylines.  One thing that Marvel has gotten really good at is making the sympathetic villain.  To a certain extent, had these movies kept going, Dima's Chameleon might have an element of sympathy.  I mean, I have no idea why the character is acting like a villain at the end of the movie.  I wish that there was a throwaway line saying that he kept copying everyone else's behavior until he learned to make it his own.  But that didn't happen. I just made that up on the spot right now.

I hate when my blogs get so complainy.  I want to like stuff.  I enjoy liking stuff.  But there's so much to this movie that is incredibly dumb.  I talked about the origin story of Sergei Kravinoff.  He goes off the grid, becomes Kraven the Hunter, a boogeyman for criminals.  You know, animal Punisher?  Anyway, the funny thing is that it is a huge epiphany for everyone in this movie when they discover that a guy named Sergei Kravinoff is Kraven the Hunter.  No one put that together.  I'm pretty sure that "Kraven" was never supposed to be a secret identity.  I'm pretty sure that it is just...his name.  You know, his name?  Yet, everyone, "Who is Kraven the Hunter?"  "He doesn't exist?"  Yet, Sergei Kravinoff who was really into hunting with his dad arrives into town and people have to do facial recognition matches to prove that Sergei is Kraven?  What is going on with this movie?

I have to keep complaining because this movie is rough.  The movie looks bad.  This might be the first time I mention this point, but all of the Sony Spider-Man movies that don't have Spider-Man in them look bad.  They are all these really safe productions where nothing is all that challenging.  I'm not talking about the CG animals.  I've learned to make my peace with CG animals.  I'd rather that than using actual animals as some form of torture.  No, I'm talking about having a model of visual imagery when it comes to their angsty characters that is so boring and uninspired.  I want people to watch the first episode of Daredevil: Born Again and see what they do with Matt's hearing when he's using it.  It's clever.  It's dynamic and unique.  Then compare that to when Kraven is constantly using his telescopic vision.  

Oh my goodness, I was about to close this blog up without talking about The Foreigner?  What?  He might be the most underbaked villain that I've ever seen.  Listen, I own every Spider-Man comic minus Amazing Fantasy # 15.  I kinda / sorta remember The Foreigner.  But there was no attempt to tell me what allegiance The Foreigner had.  His powers didn't make sense.  Heck, Kraven didn't even beat The Foreigner. He was sucker punched by Calypso, who has no attachment to the character from the book.  Oh my goodness again!  The end?  The reveal that Nikolai was the mastermind behind all of this?  That makes no sense.  It makes no sense.  Honestly, there's no way that was Nikolai's plan.  It took that old trope of making the bad guy someone close to the family and nuking it beyond comprehension.  

Golly, this movie is stupid.  For a guy who tolerated these movies better than most, I hated this film.  I'm glad the SSU is dead.  Normally, I'd be barking for more stuff like this.  I thought that I would rather have less-than-stellar content out there than nothing.  Nope.  Kraven is a hot mess of a movie and I'm glad that my viewing of these movies is done.

X.  This was a movie banned in the United States.  Now, for those people who want to fight whether or not this movie actually deserves this rating, I'm not the guy who rated this.  Are there more vulgar movies?  Absolutely.  Is it pretty graphic?  Yes.  There's a lot of sex and nudity in the movie.  Is the movie all about that?  Not really.  There are long stretches of the movie where it's borderline a political documentary.  It should be noted that there is also a rape scene.

DIRECTOR: Vilgot Sjoman

I didn't think I'd have to rewatch this movie.  I'm also now aware that I'll probably have to rewatch Salo, In the Realm of the Senses, and The Passion of the Christ.  (What?  I don't love brutal torture.)  Out of all of those movies, the easiest movie to watch is I Am Curious.  While it absolutely borders on vulgarity (although, is it really?), there have been umpteen films that wouldn't have batted an eye in American cinemas.  I suppose it's hard to say that I Am Curious isn't that revolutionary when it was the court case that helped decided vulgarity and censorship laws in the United States.

I'm a different person than the last time that I watched this movie.  It's always so weird to watch the same movies through different eyes.  I'm going to go introspective and try to be a little flowery with my language, so I apologize already to the few people who are reading this --most likely --buried blog entry on my page (despite the fact that my readership is falling through the floor!).  I have always loved movies.  But after college, I tried to see everything.  If you know me even a little bit, all of this probably scans with you.  I'm still very wired to be that guy, the guy who sees everything.  This blog is almost a perverted evolution of that same attitude.  But with trying to see everything, I was learning.  I'm not scolding myself for trying to watch I Am Curious before I was ready.  After all, that's how we learn.  I'm having a hard time reading Don Quixote as well right now.  I'm doing all of this supplemental reading to help me through it, but I'm watching it from a place of trying to be informed.  But I'm going to call something out for what it is (Note:  I was informed that "Calling a spade a spade" might be racist terminology, so I'm shifting out of that).  When I was working the video store, people rented I Am Curious because they tended to lean into more pervy movies.

I honestly don't think that I Am Curious is as pervy as I perceived it back in the day.  It sounds like I'm desensitized towards stuff.  I don't know if that's true.  If anything, as a guy with a wife and five kids, I'm probably more sensitive to sexuality in film.  But I don't think that I Am Curious (Yellow) is as pervy as I remember it to be.  Does it have incredibly graphic content in it?  Yeah.  But the way that I kind of view the movie is about comfort with one's body over something that is only vulgar.  In a rare case of sex in cinema, much of I Am Curious (Yellow) isn't about exploiting its female lead.  If anything, Lena and Borje just feel comfortable around each other, like two people in a relationship might be.  Now, I'm not saying the story of Lena and Borje should be applauded.  Both Lena and Borje are incredibly immature when it comes to healthy.  Nothing like another movie from Svensk Filmindustri to present adultery and promiscuous sex as something that is normalized, but I'm still reeling from the Bergman box, so please bear with me.

But now that I'm far more political than I was after college, I kind of like what I Am Curious (Yellow) does for the narrative of activism.  Like with many of my blogs, my writing often acts as a vessel for unpacking difficult ideas. Yellow (Note: I'm going to be watching Blue fairly soon, but I'll probably write about Blue as a companion piece and as a sympathetic movie than as a standalone movie) has a lot of feelings about Lena as a protagonist and they don't always gel.  The beginning of the film presents Lena almost as an intellectual guerrilla journalist.  She is headstrong and wants to change the world with her camera.  Now, with the meta element that Slojman incorporates into his movie (a filmmaker making a movie that we're currently watching), I get that this is the Lena closer to the reality that the actress Lena really is.  (God, I hate that sentence, but it's late and I'm frustrated.  The real world Lena is inspirational.  While that scene goes on way too long (reminding me of the movies that my friends and I made in college.  Scenes would go on way too long because we had what we considered "good footage"), it shows that Lena has an ethical core coupled with a good head on her shoulders.  

But that Lena isn't the Lena of the entire movie.  As the movie progresses, it distances itself from the Slojman and Lena taking on the world narrative, going as far to really interview Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.  Instead, the movie branches out further and further into Lena's sexuality.  Now, there are moments where Lena seems incredibly grounded.  But as the movie progresses, she shifts further into almost a parody of herself.  There's this sequence that is played for laughs where Lena goes to a retreat to improve herself.  She's topless the entire time and we're supposed to giggle at the absurdity of her mortification. These scenes don't align with the Lena that we're introduced at the beginning of the movie.  Now, I have two different reads on this and both of them are probably wrong.  Slojman infamously didn't have a script while making this movie.  He says so in the introduction to the film.  As such, the beginning of the film is the discovery of what the story is going to be. It seems like the fictional version of Slojman wants to introduce us to the Lena he knows and the Lena he wants to work with.  He instantly imbues his fictional counterpart with jealousy, knowing that Lena will be doing these graphic sex scenes with another actor later in the film.  But as the movie progresses out of the planning stages that the beginning of the film presents, the movie gets more movie-y.  By the end, "real" Lena and character Lena have merged.

The alternative is that it is commenting on the absurdity of the movement as a whole.  Lena's personality is almost defined by her counter-culture rhetoric.  She files information about old boyfriends in boxes and surrounds herself with the commandments for being a revolutionary.  While the beginning of the movie shows her to be wise and committed to a cause, the more that we get to know her, the more silly she comes across.  By the end of the movie, we almost just see her as a tragic, sex-crazed hippie who seems pretty vapid in Slojman's eyes.  I'm talking about the meta scene in the car where she gets annoyed by having to wear her sunglasses  in the scene.  If the silliness and absurdity of the movie tonally shifts away from the seriousness of the first third of the film, it could be that it making us question the reality of what we see when it comes to revolutionaries.  I don't necessarily love this read of the movie.  After all, I Am Curious (Yellow) is counter-culture and revolutionary in itself.  Why would it throw all of these protesters out on their rear ends if it is trying to encourage free thinkers.  

It's weird to write about I Am Curious (Yellow) without having seen blue recently.  I was actually in a little bit of a pickle when it came to approaching this.  I'll tell you right now.  If I watched Blue immediately after watching Yellow and waited to write about Yellow then, I wouldn't be able to separate them.  I remember being so baffled by the symbiotic nature of the two movies to the point where they bled together.  But as a standalone movie, I'm still left with questions.  This movie is almost the perfect amount of avant-garde for me.  It's still incredibly frustrating, but that's something that I kind of just live with.  

It's not like I'm closing this blog up.  Treat this as a To Be Continued...

PG, but this one is super brutal!  Like, there was a huge jump in what is acceptable to show in these movies.  People die.  I know that they died before.  But this one reminds you that mass casualties are composed of individual people.  So many people die on camera in gnarly ways.  Also, it feels like Godzilla took a beating in this one compared to the other movies.  Also, a main character dies!  Plus, Godzilla needs to eviscerate the monster to kill him, so there were lots of times when Godzilla plunges his fist into the creature.  Like, this movie pulled out a lot of stops.  Still, PG!

DIRECTORS:  Yoshimitsu Banno and Ishiro Honda

The answer to my last blog was "Yes, I am taking on too much to be effective."  I'm playing that older millennial game called, "If I can make it through this week and the next, life will get easier."  The novel is almost put entirely to bed before I have to go off and pitch it and I'll be done with Don Quixote, which means two of my major distractions from life will be gone and I'll be able to simply deal with my other absurd to-do things.  Trust me, for me this is exciting.

Guys, I thought that the later Godzilla movies were all going to suck.  That was the notion I had.  After all, it seemed that, for a while, many of the Godzilla sequels had forgotten their political core.  Then comes Godzilla vs. Hedorah, a movie I was barely willing to watch if it wasn't for the next movie in the box set.  (By the way, I'm closer to the end of this box set than I realized!)   But holy crap, I love Godzilla vs. Hedorah.  Now, is the political statement the most surface level messaging done in a movie?  Absolutely.  You have to understand.   Hippie movies during this age were in your face and simple.  I don't hate that.  As a guy who made it through all of the BBS films with Nicholson and the Monkees, I mostly dig this kind of stuff.  Hippies managed to boil stuff down into the most basic nuggets and then railed against it.  Trust me, we need some of that today (you know, if the hippies weren't the same people as Boomers who started nuking culture).  As a hippie movie, it's beautifully political, but the songs are insufferable and many of the characters act like complete morons.

But what does the movie do?  The movie understands that Godzilla movies tend to work when they have something to say about humanity ultimately causing their own destruction.  With the case of Hedorah, the monster is made from pollution.  Yeah, it's pretty basic and there's not a lot of thought going into that.  But if you asked me to make a pollution monster, I couldn't make one as cool as this one is.  Part of what makes Hedorah cool is the fact that he's killing people who just get near him.  Gone is the guesswork that says that the building that Godzilla just toppled is either empty or full.  Nope.  Hedorah spews toxic waste which burns people's faces off.  He also emits a gas that causes you to instantly rot in the street.  And, no pun intended, none of this is sanitized.  My biggest frustration with the Godzilla movies is that they often become action movies without consequences.  It's kind of hilarious how destroyed Japan has gotten over the course of all of these films. But this is the first time that I feel like the stuff that happens here is permanent.

But beyond that, I felt like Godzilla became a character here.  I won't deny that I still don't understand Godzilla's motivations.  (Look how pretentious this blog is!  I want Godzilla's motivations!) We know that he kind of shows up where he's needed, even though that should be against his character.  But there were times in this movie where Godzilla was being wailed upon.  Like, I was looking at that burn to the eye and, while I can guess that it isn't permanent, it felt permanent.  Maybe something that came out of the choreography that made the movie feel more visceral.  At one point Hedorah throws Godzilla into a giant hole and starts drowning him in acid.  That's a lot more than just guys in rubber suits wailing on each other.  Do you know what it reminded me of, besides Doomsday wailing on Superman?  King Kong always felt way more brutal to me than Godzilla ever did.  But watching Hedorah rip into Godzilla almost felt mean at times...and I oddly enjoyed it.

But there are some stuff that gets really weird.  Let's talk about silly hippies.  I already talked about how this movie paints a serious issue with goofy large strokes.  Again, no shame!  It is the product of its time and it thought that it was doing the Lord's work.  I can't complain about that.  I'm just talking about how silly the hippies are overall.  There's a lot of movie that is trying to play out the clock.  There's the protagonist family, the one with the professor who gets his face burned off.  But then there's the hippies who go to Mt. Fuji.  Apparently, it's a "going out with a bang" attitude that I just learned from the Wikipedia, which forgives a lot of the issues I have.  But still, they seem to be giving up hope pretty quickly.  If anything, there seem to be a billion steps before drawing attention to Mt. Fuji.   Think about how much frustration those people were bringing to the military.  They had to bring all that equipment up a giant mountain.  But then they vaporized Yukio and that kind of blew my mind.

But the biggest shock of the movie is the fact that it doesn't look like other Godzilla movies.  In some ways, I'm comparing this to Live and Let Die, when the politics of the era had a direct effect on the way that the film franchise looked.  Someone cared about this movie.  Honestly, this doesn't feel like something that was floated out there.  There are these weird animated interstitials that give the whole movie a certain hippie vibe.  When people care about what they're making, they do things outside of the formula.  And I know that I'm losing my mind over a Godzilla sequel.  But this one is honestly delightful and dark.  There's effort here and that goes a long way.

PG-13 for some fairly brutal murder parts.  When Helm Hammerhand (with a name like that!) can kill people with single punches, you know that the violence is going to be more than the norm.  Honestly, the only thing that really justifies the PG-13 rating is the violence.  Lord of the Rings tends to get a bit more violent than most more family-friendly action films.  But the rest of it is tame...

DIRECTOR: Kenji Kamiyama

I think I'm starting to bite off more than I can chew, especially when it comes to Lent.  Here's some of the things in my daily To-Do List:  Exercise for one hour.  Read 50 pages of a novel (if the novel is over 400 pages, read 100 pages).  Write an essay over any movie I see.  Make sure your work is done before having fun.  Clean.  Cook dinner.  Edit two chapters of the novel I'm writing.  Do you know what I have to add to that list during Lent?  Read 50 pages of Don Quixote, on top of the other 50 pages.  Don Quixote is a slow read, guys.  I don't know how I'm staying upright.  So when I seem burnt out on some of these blogs, just understand that I'm being overtaxed.  I need to purge something soon.  

Rights issues are silly.  It's weird that we've all become low key experts on how the MCU works in terms of rights issues.  We know that there's Marvel and then there's the Marvel Cinematic Universe.  But it's also bizarre that we're aware that some movies exist simply so a studio doesn't lose the rights to a franchise.  New Line Cinema, in an attempt to hold onto The Lord of the Rings, fast tracked this movie into production just to hold onto a property.  That's never my favorite phrase when I hear a movie is coming out.  I want people to put their hearts and souls into a project.  I don't want to know that something is out there just so a studio can stay happy.  I hate studios.  They seem to be the worst.  

I will admit that, for a streamlined movie that's there just to be spiteful, The War of the Rohirrim isn't terrible.  That's not a glowing review because it shouldn't be a glowing review.  War of the Rohirrim most glowing review is that it is functional as a movie.  And I have to give points to the writers for doing most of the heavy lifting on this movie.  While the story of Helm Hammerhand is not quintessential to the Lord of the Rings mythos, it is mildly entertaining at best.  Henson and I were joking about the movie, saying that War of the Rohirrim might be one of those origin stories that no one was really asking for.  When Eowyn declares herself to be a shield maiden of Rohan, we all kind of get what that means.  The term "Shield Maiden" seems to do a lot of the heavy lifting in terms of making things make sense.   I didn't really need to find out about Hera, the last of the shield maidens.  That's fun and all.  But in terms of important storytelling, not so much?

This movie is really a film for the die hards, who probably don't really appreciate the movie for the quality of the presentation.  I tend to be more die hard about everything, even though I don't consider myself to really be a Lord of the Rings nerd.  I've read the novels.  I've watched the movies.  But do you know what I haven't read?  The appendices nor stuff like The Simarillion.  I like the story of The Lord of the Rings.  It's part of our cultural literacy at this point in time.  You kind of need to get into these stories to hold a conversation nowadays.   But even I don't think that this would appeal to the die hards simply because the movie looks ugly.  Now, if I read this out loud to the creators of this film, I wouldn't want them to become defensive.  10% of me thinks that this movie is ugly because of a general skepticism towards anime. I know.  It's unfair and probably not the best when it comes to trying to sell the notion that anime is a medium, not a genre. 

But 90% of me thinks that this movie is ugly because it is rushed.  As shameless as this is of me, part of what makes Lord of the Rings such a big deal in cinema is the majesty and grandeur of it all.  While I love the story and the characters, the cinematic Lord of the Rings sits on the shoulders of Peter Jackson, coupled with WETA workshop and the cinematography of the film.  Just looking at that movie, you think that it looks pretty.  This is not a joke nor is it an exaggeration.  I've often fantasized what the afterlife might be like and wondered if I could sit down with J.R.R. Tolkien and showed him the Lord of the Rings films.  Tolkien was always a skeptic about making his books into movies because the language of cinema could never meet the reaches of his imagination.  But I always thought that Peter Jackson might have hit that mark.

The War of the Rohirrim doesn't do that.  Honestly, the movie looks cheap.  There has been animation that has knocked my socks off and this is not it.  Now, I tried finding ways to explain away my frustrations with how the movie looks.  I mean, action and war scenes tend not to look like live action.  When watching Peter Jackson's movies, the spectacle of these action sequences is partly awe inspiring because we see actors doing things that are seemingly impossible in live action.  The War of the Rohirrim tries duplicating some of that cinematography and choreography that the live action counterparts did.  But all of it fell flat. 

But then I thought of Into the Spider-Verse.  My goodness, those movies sold animated fight choreography.  If anything, it shows that animation can do things that live action simply can't do.  But it needs to be filmed in a dynamic way that takes advantage of the format rather than simply film things in the most basic way possible.  The climax of the movie is a fight between Hera and Wulf.  There's a moment that is meant to be inspiring where Hera leaps over Wulf vertically.  Not only did it not match the epic intention that it was aiming for; the scene was straight up goofy looking.  I know.  This makes me feel like I'm complaining that "the lightsaber sequences aren't cool enough."   I'm more in the camp that, if you can't do it well, don't do it at all.  While Jackson did impressive things with action and choreography, just tell a simple story well.  There's a simple story in here.  But you sell the movie with the name The War of the Rohirrim, I suppose there is some desperation to earn that name.

Now, I did say that the movie wasn't a complete wash.  I probably enjoyed it more than most.  The actual story of Hera and Helm Hammerhand had oddly more legs than I was ready for.  I'll be honest.  It was only on the most recent viewing of The Two Towers that I grew to appreciate Rohan.  I always thought that the Rohan story was a bit of a distraction from the main story.  Now, I kind of dig Rohan.  If you go into the whole mythology of Rohan, there's a story to be told here.  Again, I had incredibly low expectations based on the trailer.  But if you know me at all, you also know that I tend to like way too much stuff.  

Hera is a compelling lead character.  She has this depth that I wasn't prepared for.  The weakest part of her, however, is her sharing screentime with Helm Hammerhand.  As a guy who hasn't read the appendices, I have a feeling that the original story that Tolkien wrote was about Hammerhand.  But I like the idea that Hera has a history with the antagonist.  Sure, Wulf comes across a lot like Kylo Ren.  Like, a lot.  Wulf is a guy who seems a bit more whiny than he should be for a guy who wields so much evil power.  From moment one, Helm Hammerhand kills his dad.  But his dad is the only one who is pushing for the fight between himself and Hammerhand.  When Hammerhand kills him in one punch, it's sad.  But is it "Destroy all of Rohan" sad?  He was a guy who picked a fight with a guy named "Hammerhand."  Yeah, Wulf might be underdeveloped, but Hera makes up for that in the course of the movie. 

But there are a ton of questions that I still didn't understand by the end.  The "Wraith of Hammerhand"?  What was up with that?  In my head, I left with the Occam's Razor answer saying that Helm Hammerhand just got better and started punching people to death.  It doesn't really explain how he did that.  Also, why didn't Helm Hammerhand, instead of freezing to death outside the gate, just burn down the siege tower.  No one could kill him.  Why not do some good?  I don't understand these things.

The takeaway that I'm offering is the most obvious read of this movie.  It's  a wildly imperfect addition to the Lord of the Rings canon because it was rushed into production.  If you go in with a good attitude, there's something to watch.  But to really enjoy it, you have to forgive a lot.

Rated G because there's less mass murder.  There's still violence.  In fact, in a way, the violence is a bit worse because it's aimed at a kid.  I know.  I'm being silly.  I mentally compare the violence of this movie to the violence in Home Alone.  Sure, there's the risk of the little kid getting stabbed, but that's it.  There's also some questionable language in the movie.  If anything, the morals of this movie might raise some yellow flags.  But still, G.

DIRECTOR:  Shin'ichi Sekizawa

It's barely a movie.  Can we all acknowledge this?  It feels like an afterschool special.  It clocks in at an hour-and-nine minutes and a lot of those minutes are devoted to clips from other monster movies.  For a guy who is trying to keep his head above water with a million stupid things and is insanely stressed out, to sit down and write about All Monsters Attack seems like I'm ignoring all the steps of self-care.  But part of my stupid self-care routine is writing.  After all, no one is going to die.  It's all a dumb circle of nonsense.  Just realize that the effort I'm putting into this is both therapeutic and toxic at the same time.

Here's where I'm going to be a little controversial:  I didn't hate it.  There's something absolutely brilliant about All Monsters Attack that loses a lot in the budget and the execution.  Do you know why I know it's brilliant?  All Monsters Attack is a way worse Home Alone.  All of the foundations for Home Alone are there.  Sure, Ichiro is a good kid who has some really rough lessons to get through.  Sure, he has a probably bad takeaway given the fact that I watched this in 2025.  But fundamentally, this is Home Alone.  Honestly, it's more Home Alone 2: Lost in New York, but I tend to ignore that Home Alone 2 exists.   It's a kid who is left alone all of the time.  Like Kevin, Ichiro has all of these problems in his life outside of the events of the story.  It is through his isolation that he discovers who he really is as a person.  That's not a bad idea.  I even like the idea that the Toho monsters are able to help him come to grips with it.

...but not that much.  The weakest parts of the movie are the kaiju stuff.  Now, I think we can all pick apart why I don't like the kaiju stuff with this movie.  I don't like the Godzilla-fighting-creatures sections of these movies on a good day.  But when the majority of the Godzilla stuff are clips strung together from previous movies, much like the clip shows of yesteryear, man, there is almost nothing to appreciate here.  To a certain extent, the clip show format works for the narrative.  Ichiro falls asleep and dreams of Minilla and the other kaiju from other Toho releases.  They cut him into these scenes as if he has always been in these scenes.  That's fine. Whatever.  It's not good, nor will I find a way to make it good.  But I can tell you that the movie pushes its luck when it comes to this storytelling device.  

Ichiro's initial "travels to Monster Island" is because he takes a nap.  Okay, I can get behind that.  But the movie, desperate to get to a place where Ichiro can interact with other Toho Monsters, keeps falling asleep.  That kid is the most well-rested kid in history.  This takes place over the course of an afternoon into the evening.  Literally, Ichiro is kidnapped by the equivalent of the Wet Bandits and is tied to a chair.  Guess who thought it would be a good time to take a nap?  Honestly, I know that this is a movie that's trying to make a buck on the cheap.  There is probably this Monster Fever in Japan and they need to release something on the quick.  So they release this movie with all of these old clips taking up a notable percentage of the movie and they string the story together so people aren't visibly mad at how cheap the movie is.  But that many returns to Monster Island?  What little is believable about this movie is sacrificed for Godzilla punching another monster.

But, let's pretend that the Monster Island stuff wasn't so prevalent in this movie.  I have to admit that I thought that this movie was going to be one giant clip show.  But once the first packet of clips went away, I actually kind of got invested in the kid's story.  I think my favorite parts of the Godzilla movies have always been the human element. There's why I got so excited for Godzilla Minus One, because Godzilla is incidental to the story.  But while Godzilla Minus One was imbued with a heavy dose of gravitas, All Monsters Attack is appropriate kids' fun.  I don't think that Godzilla should be tonally one thing.  If the franchise fell off the rails as hard as it did with those early movies, it makes sense to make them for different audiences.  If anything, All Monsters Attack is almost a commentary on how these fantastic monsters have influenced children.

That's a question I have.  Is All Monsters Attack an in-universe story?  Listen, it seems like a lot of the characters know what Ichiro is talking about when he talks about monsters.  He doesn't have to explain who these characters are too often.  It feels, aesthetically, that All Monsters Attack exists in the world of Godzilla and Monster Island, but with an understanding that the Japanese people of this universe seem to like Godzilla and Monster Island.  Ichiro's room has a bunch of Godzilla toys, including a Mechagodzilla (?).  At least, I think that's Mechagodzilla.  These movies don't really stick with me from film-to-film, so that's on me.  But as a commentary, from a real world perspective, the story could be a defense of these movies beyond the typical read that "guys in monster suits" punching each other around has no value.

Listen, I hate the message that All Monsters Attack gives.  If anything, it is an advocation of violence.  Ichiro is bothered by a bully.  He's undersized compared to the other kid, who even has an avatar in Monster Island.  But there is this commentary all through the movie that Ichiro needs to stand up to that kid when I'm on Ichiro's team to begin with.  He needs to give Gabara a wide berth and that's the only way to go about it.  And that's Ichiro's natural inclination.  Yet, the movie goes out of its way to say that Ichiro can absolutely destroy this kid that's a whole head taller than he is.  As a kid who was bullied and tried this, I can tell you definitively that it does not work.  That kind of stuff is the stuff of outdated movies.  But I need to acknowledge: this is an outdated movie.

My biggest takeaway is that there's a reason that Pokemon exists.  I never got into Pokemon, so please bear with my outside perspective.  From what I understand, Pokemon comes from the idea of "Pocket Monsters."  In the case of Pokemon, a youth collects these Pokemon and has them fight.  Holy moley, if you watch All Monsters Attack, you have Ichiro yelling out monster names and he watches them fight each other.  He's even got the baseball cap and everything.  That's fun that we can kind of see the entire mindset behind the creation of this franchise.  But also, like, is it great storytelling?  Probably not.  Still, it's fascinating to see how much of an impact Toho's kaiju characters had on Japanese culture.  All Monsters Attack is a pretty terrible movie because of it, but I'm going to be brave and say that it's not the worst thing out there.  Considering that so much of this movie was clips from other movies, it's mildly watchable at times?  That's not an overwhelming sell of the movie, but I'm sure that they'll take it.