13 Going on 30 (2004)

PG-13.  While, by no means, is this an offensive movie, it's more offensive than the tone implies.  (Again, not offensive, just not as squeaky clean as people remember.)  Sexuality is a common motif throughout the story.  Jenna wakes up to a naked man.  While no actual nudity, Jenna is scandalized by nakedness.  Also, Jenna is obsessed with her own breasts.  She also gets drunk as an adult, even though she's technically only 13.  But it's a pretty tame movie overall.   Also, the word "suicide" is thrown around pretty casually.  The movie also has a 2004 attitude towards addressing homosexuality.  Still, PG-13.

DIRECTOR: Gary Winick

Guys , I'm not the guy who should be writing about rom-coms. I know. Everyone loves them.  For the most part, including in this  case, I don't.  I really don't. I don't want to be a judgmental turd about rom-coms.  I don't want to be sad about what makes lots of people happy.  But my snobbery has officially ruined me for bubble gum rom-coms.  I also know that 13 Going on 30 is one of those universally loved rom-coms.  No one is going to be a fan of this blog because I'm going to write about how my life is the hardest for having watched this movie.

I will say that I watched it at the perfect time.  I had just finshed Mysterious Object at Noon, a movie that moved in the complete opposite direction as 13 Going on 30.  Mysterious Object is pretention weaponized.  It's so indie and so anthropological that I couldn't really find much enjoyment out of it.  Now, I don't really choose what movie I watch next.  I have a weird algorithm that picks my next movie, but I didn't exactly mind something mindless like 13 Going on 30 showing up as the next movie.  Okay, that kind of changed when I watched it. The thing about rom-coms is that I don't really find them all that funny.  I also really get frustrated with the worlds that these kinds of movies build.  I also have to confess something here.  It's pretty bad, especially considering that I claim to have an encyclopedic knowledge of film.  (I hate me too, guys. I hate me too.) I've never seen Big.  I honestly should watch it right now, but I just got all of these great movies for my birthday and I need to knock them out over the course of a year (a self-imposed quest).  So even though I'm going to make a natural comparison to Big, just know that I haven't really seen it.

Let's talk about what I do like about this movie before I start being a bit of a bully about a lot of people's favorite film.  If I am going to watch a rom-com, I don't necessarily hate the high concept element involved in something like 13 Going on 30.  Both Big and 13 play on the knowledge that putting a kid in an adult body can lead into all kinds of fun hijinks while simultaneously providing commentary on the loss of innocence that comes with aging.  13 Going on 30 does this well.  One thing about putting Jennifer Garner as the adult Jenna means that she's instantly worthy of our trust.  Garner absolutely nails the silliness that comes with a story that pits a 13 year old in an adult body.  Garner's smart enough to do something that other actors might ignore.  It doesn't carry all the way throughout the film, but Garner, for the most part, plays Jenna as someone who is faking it until she makes it.  Yeah, there's some yellow flags that people aren't picking up on Jenna's new reality, but that can be written off by the rules of rom-coms.  

But the coolest part about a story involving the loss of childhood joy is the idea that Jenna is the most evil character in the story.  One of the key plots in the story is that Poise magazine, a publication that Jenna has idolized since she was a child, has a mole inside the organization.  Mentally 13 Jenna is mortified that anyone could possibly do something so diabolical that she steps up to the plate to save the publication.  Narratively, the film sets up Judy Greer's Lucy as the spy.  After all, she's the antagonist of the film.  She is as shady as can be in the film.  Yeah, for anyone invested in the plot, we are all aware that Jenna is the criminal.  The character has to come to grips that it takes a villain to get as much as she does in 17 years and Jenna is too successful to be a good person.  But the movie, for all of its criticisms of the adult Jenna, intentionally tries to divert the gaze away from Jenna's greater crimes.  Jenna goes from icky to villainous with that revelation and I really like that.  I like that we have to question how to succeed in America and it's 13 Going on 30 that doesn't shy away from that question.

But that's all that I really like about the movie.  Okay, Mark Ruffalo and Jennifer Garner have good chemistry.  But also, Matty is getting married?  I know.  The rom-com has normalized the notion of the romantic obstacle. In real life, Matty and Jenna are terrible people.  Like, we would hate them in real life for doing what they did to Matty's fiancee.  I don't know why rom-coms do this.  I don't necessarily creating an obstacle to a story through character.  After all, things can't be easy.  An to give 13 some credit, Matty doesn't leave his fiancee.  Instead, Jenna rewrites history, which is far more drastic, yet somehow morally better for me.  But let's criticize Matty for a while. Matty is aware that he doesn't love his fiancee.  He knows that he loves Jenna.  Fine.  But Matty chooses to lead this woman along in a life of misery because he's ultimately too cowardly to make a change.  I would say that's not morally wrong, but he does kiss Jenna.  He continually puts himself into situations where he's going to feed his attraction to his childhood best friend.  There's really no excuse when that kiss happens.  He also decides to keep that moment to himself.  It's all kinds of gross.

Also, I've never really seen a movie that ignored its central conceit.  Jenna, in an understandable moment of panic, flees to find Matty, the one person that she knows exists in both time periods.  It's Marty McFly looking for Doc in 1955.  These are people of trust.  Now, Jenna infodumps on Matty about her reality.  She's holds nothing back.  She confesses that she is a 13-year-old girl in a 30-year-old body.  She even goes down the exact minute that she leaves her old body and travels to the future.  It's not hidden.  Now, the onus on Matty isn't to believe her. I mean, it's an option.  It's actually an option that would make for a far more interesting, but less romantic movie.  But the alternative is that Jenna has had a mental break, forcing her to believe that she is a 13-year-old girl.  I get the vibe that his is the thing that Matty believes.  That's a red flag, right?  Okay, he thinks that Jenna is a 30-year-old woman who believes that she's 13.  Yet, he keeps putting himself in scenarios where he's going to indulge whatever feelings he has for this woman.

Is he okay with falling in love with a woman who believes that she is 13?  I mean, she flirts with middle school boys as a 30-year-old.  Everyone oddly seems like "That's so Jenna", which doesn't seem like that's at all Jenna. Sure, Matty doesn't see that, but he's also in on the secret.  It doesn't matter how attractive she is.  She continually tells Matt that she cannot remember anything beyond the closet when their friendship fell apart.  Are we supposed to be rooting for those two?  I mean, I kind of was because they're both so charming.  But that's also the biproduct of a movie that ignores the key idea behind the movie.  

The bigger problem in terms of enjoyment is the fact that a movie that is fundamentally about what it means to be a child has never met a thirteen-year-old.  Those bookended sequences in 1987?  Especially the first one?  Good golly, no kid acts that way. They got every childhood behavior from Disney Channel original programming.  I'm not saying that kids don't model archetypal behavior.  But there's nothign realistic about the script for young Jenna and young Matty.  These characters are silly. Don't blame the '80s, by the way.  That is too much.  None of these moments read as authentic.  Oddly enough, Jennifer Garner portrays a 13 year old better than the preteen that probably plays her. And none of that is really that kid's fault.  The script is just so awful and such shorthand for what kids really go for.  And a lot of that comes from the fact that no one really puts investment in making rom-coms somehow grounded.  Rom-coms tend to be about establishing a tone.  After all, I did watch the "Fun & Flirty" edition of the movie (BTW, making custom special editions based on lines of the movie was one of the worst DVD trends).  The movie was so focused on lightheartedness that we sacrifice any real character for the sake of a good time.

Again, I shouldn't be writing about these movies.  I don't like them.  There are rom-coms that I like, but I like the stuff that takes itself a little more seriously. I  like when these film deviate from the formula.  Golly, I'm so sorry everyone, but 13 Going on 30 does almost nothing for me.  I enjoyed having something light to watch as a palatte cleanser to Mysterious Object at Noon.  But the movie itself isn't...good?  Again, continue liking what you like.  This movie doesn't do anything for me though.